"Joyce.. You are like a wild pony." - Dr. Hay
HAHA! I still can't get that over my head! It's so funny, but it's true.
I think I've held myself back and who I was all throughout middle school and high school because of people's opinions and assumptions of me. I didn't want to make other people 'inferior' and ect...
No one ever really tried to get to know me. They never tried to be in my shoes or tried to see what I saw or felt how I felt. Well. With exception of maybe three friends..(Two.. lost contact with.. busy busy busy.. Third.. just refreshed our friendship. ;]) No one really cared to be interested in things I was interested or passionate about. It's very sad. I always listened to others, but not many people listened to me. Rather, they tried to push their own 'opinions' on me rather than trying to give me what I 'needed'.
I sacrificed so much for few of my friends who ended up never being satisfied with what I did for them and just ended up hurting me. Well... I guess I'm saying all this now (although high school was a year and half ago) because I am just having these light bulbs.
It was not until my senior year I decided to not let anyone affect me from being me.. And I made my kind of friends..yet.. it was too late in the term.
I guess I'm hurt by those people who are still ignorant as to why I have such bitterness towards them..
They may 'know' inside there heads how much I've done for them, but they may not 'understand' what I had to do to make them feel secure and always loved around me.
Sacrifice who I was in order for them to be comfortable and confident.
I'm exhausted yet free. I really just want to start all over and forget everyone. Yes.. this is me trying to run away from the situation rather than solving it, but there goes that saying..
'Ignorance is bliss'...
What's so interesting is I finally realized why I wanted to go into Opera..
Not just singing... Actual Opera.
My true self comes out when I am on the stage. This true self in which I have been suppressing my whole life.
"From my parents.. family.. my friends..."
It's not that I didn't want to show it.. And yes.. I had the will to be myself.. "I was just tired of all this hurt, rejection, and nagging that I received every time I was myself.. No one was/is satisfied with me...."
I am too nice to a fault. I let people use me and push me around. They get my confidence confused with arrogance and pride. I am not accepted for who I am, thus always feeling out of place...
lol.. and some say that I make them feel inferior.. I think feeling out of place and never feeling accepted is worse. Try living a lonely life keeping all your thoughts and feelings only to yourself because trying to find someone to actually just 'listen' to you is difficult...
Do you know how heavy the burden is? lol.. It's like trying to be a person with no emotions or opinions.. a ROBOT. =_=;
Well.. I'm just moving on from everyone and everything. I am partially numb to people.. my head is against the wall pushing and pushing.. going nowhere.. and all I can do is study study and be thankful to God.
lol.. something that really hurts is when people think all I do is sing. LOL! They have no idea.
An artist is not an artist without experiences. It is quite interesting how only the intellectually sensitive people see right through me when I sing... who I really am.. my intellect.. my thoughts.. my past.. and then.. those who just see me and go.. OH! YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD SINGER!!! and generalize me ... rather than investigating out of curiosity where all these emotions came from? what are they thinking? what do they know?.. lol... people have no idea..
Pain is what makes an artist truly an artist. Music of this world is created and brought by pain.. some form of pain...extremity of emotions..and of course.. intellect.
It is within the schema of my emotions in which I have experienced....
"A woman's heart is like a deep ocean of secrets." - Rose (Titanic)
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